PUT ME IN COACH – 12

It is that magical time of the year again when peanuts and crackerjacks are vogue. The fans of the worst teams convince themselves they won’t lose 90 games this year, and they look good on someone’s paper. Thus, it is time for the most anticipated entry this blog offers; the 12th annual Code Monkey’s MLB Team Predictions and Slogans.

As normal, the predictions will probably be wrong, but they are here just in case I get one right so I can brag about it. The slogans are more in-line with what I think the team’s slogans should be if the teams were actually truthful with their slogans.

AL EAST
1. Toronto Player’s flipping bats and fan’s throwing stuff on the field is all part of our Canadian politeness
2. Evil Empire Reforming our ways with zero free agents this past off-season because we misplaced the checkbook
3. Tampa Bay Playing in Havana made us appreciate the Tropicana
4. Evil Nation Someone needs to check if Panda is on the endangered third basemen list
5. Baltimore Banning our biggest threat – pies
AL CENTRAL
1. Kansas City It’s fine to hustle in the late innings and jump onto our band wagon
2. Minnesota Minnie and Paul are looking forward to Twins Fur Bomber Hat Giveaway night
3. Chicago WS Believing in strict child labor laws
4. Detroit Bad bullpen and bad base running will not help us in this division
5. Cleveland Let the Lindor hype begin
AL WEST
1. Houston That’s right, contenders and Astros are now in the same sentence
2. Seattle DiPoto overhaul leads to dividends
3. Texas To honor Josh Hamilton, we will rename our DL the Hamilton List
4. LA of Anaheim Trout would win the MVP if we could get to the playoffs
5. Oakland Ready to trade Sonny Gray for a big haul
NL EAST
1. NY Mets Paying 10 times less in revenue sharing than the other team in our city, but we went to the World Series last year and they did not
2. Washington Harper vs Papelbon 2 is a tiring, clownish event
3. Miami Mattingly will be enforcing the Mr. Burn’s rule – “Shave those sideburns…you heard me hippie”
4. Atlanta Frankly, Starlet, Turner Field is ancient 19 year old stadium so time to move on
5. Philadelphia Upping fan’s cholesterol with Duck Fat Fries and Hickory Bacon Hot-Dogs
NL CENTRAL
1. St. Louis We have heard that “The Year of the Cubs” stuff for over 108 years
2. Pittsburgh Fighting for Wild Card Reform one season at a time
3. Chicago Cubs The bigger the build up, the bigger goat’s bah
4. Milwaukee It is going to be a long season when you lose a closer while he is taking off his shoes
5. Cincinnati We got a $19 million bonus pool for being really bad or as we look it, we won
NL WEST
1. LA Dodgers Can’t believe this is Vin Scully’s farewell season
2. San Francisco Hunter Pence Likes Even Number Years
3. San Diego Don’t forget we still have all those big contracts we paid for last year
4. Arizona Beating the drum that our 18 years-old stadium needs to be replaced – blah, blah, hiss, hiss
5. Colorado What is this pitching thing everyone keeps saying we need?
SLOGANS FOR MLB:
Actually going to ban smokeless tobacco in some places
OTHER PREDICTIONS:
First manager to get fired: Mike Scioscia (LA of Anaheim)
WILDCARD PREDICTIONS:
AL #1 Seattle
AL #2 Minnesota
NL #1 Pittsburgh
NL #2 San Francisco
WILDCARD PLAYOFF WINNERS:
AL Minnesota
NL Pittsburgh
DIVISIONAL SERIES PLAYOFF WINNERS:
AL #1 Kansas City over Minnesota
AL #2 Houston over Toronto
NL #1 Pittsburgh over LA Dodgers
NL #2 St. Louis over NY Mets
CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES PLAYOFF WINNERS:
AL Houston over Kansas City
NL St. Louis over Pittsburgh
WORLD SERIES WINNER:
St. Louis over Houston

STATS:
In case you are worried I might make a correct predictions and your team has no hope, don’t be afraid. Below are my stats from the previous years. That should ease your fears and prove that I am no prophet.

Correct AL Division Winners 13/33 39%
Correct AL Wild Card Winners 2/15 13%
Correct NL Division Winners 15/33 45%
Correct NL Wild Card Winners 3/15 20%
Correct First Manager To Fired (got my first one right last year) 1/11 09%
Correct World Series Winners 1/6 17%

There you have it, my skewed and unscientific view of the 2016 major league season. Enjoy the day and season, baseball fans. Go Rockies!