PUT ME IN COACH – 11

It is that magical time of the year again when peanuts and crackerjacks are vogue. The fans of the worst teams convince themselves that their team could win 90 games if everything goes right. Thus, it is time for the most anticipated entry this blog offers; the 11th annual Code Monkey’s MLB Team Predictions and Slogans.

As normal, the predictions will probably be wrong, but they are here just in case I get one right so I can brag about it. The slogans are more in-line with what I think the team’s slogans should be if the teams were actually truthful with their slogans.

AL EAST
1. Evil Nation Please don’t feed the Panda
2. Baltimore Cruz control no longer an option
3. Toronto Yes, we have a pitcher who lives in a van down by the river
4. Evil Empire We are an old, injured, and a big money team…oh no we are turning into the Phillies
5. Tampa Bay Stuck in Tropicana with no Maddon
AL CENTRAL
1. Detroit Is the cost for Price right?
2. Cleveland The ban of Bauer’s drone is nothing that Chloe O’Brian can’t fix
3. Chicago WS Building a better Shark Tank
4. Kansas City No more expired food during the World Series
5. Minnesota It should be a Dozier
AL WEST
1. LA of Anaheim Trading Will Ferrell for a washing machine was a heavenly move
2. Seattle We would have run the ball
3. Oakland We believe in magical Beane
4. Houston On pace to set strikeouts record for a season at an Astronomical rate
5. Texas Looking for someone to fill Yu’s boots
NL EAST
1. Washington Claiming a ring before spring training is a clown comment bro
2. NY Mets Our revenue sharing plan is charging our players to attend off-season workouts
3. Miami Spending money like we will be able to trade the big contracts next year
4. Atlanta Hoping Melvin is better than BJ
5. Philadelphia When our GM believes that we will not score a lot of runs, it is time to start booing
NL CENTRAL
1. St. Louis Nothing new for bird watchers to see here
2. Pittsburgh It is OK for McCutchen to cut his hair, he is not Samson
3. Chicago Cubs Doubling our lawyers payroll with lawsuits over a fake mascot and stadium renovations
4. Milwaukee Saving our players from painful high fives but not our fans from heart deadly food
5. Cincinnati Where we trade Votto and Chapman is anyone’s guess
NL WEST
1. LA Dodgers How much money would it take so we don’t have to play the Cardinals in the playoffs?
2. San Diego We spent our money so we could try this offensive thing we hear so much about
3. San Francisco It is an odd-number year, but don’t count us out
4. Colorado Planning on less promotional spelling erros this season
5. Arizona Churro Dog Heaven
SLOGANS FOR MLB:
We are speeding up the games since we don’t have to wait for Tim McClelland to call balls, strikes, or pine-tar infractions this year.
(Just a personal note just in case he ever stumbles on this – enjoy retirement Mr. McClelland – I enjoyed your time as an MLB ump – you always handle the hard situations well)
OTHER PREDICTIONS:
First manager to get fired: Milwaukee Brewers Ron Roenicke
WILDCARD PREDICTIONS:
AL #1 Mariners
AL #2 Indians
NL #1 Padres
NL #2 Pirates
WILDCARD PLAYOFF WINNERS:
AL Mariners over Indians
NL Pirates over Padres
DIVISIONAL SERIES PLAYOFF WINNERS:
AL #1 Angels over Mariners
AL #2 Tigers over Evil Nation
NL #1 Cardinals over Dodgers
NL #2 Pirates over Nationals
CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES PLAYOFF WINNERS:
AL Angels over Tigers
NL Pirates over Cardinals
WORLD SERIES WINNER:
Angels over Pirates

STATS:
In case you are worried I might make a correct predictions and your team has no hope, don’t be afraid. Below are my stats from the previous years. That should ease your fears and prove that I am no prophet.

Correct AL Division Winners 13/30 43%
Correct AL Wild Card Winners 2/13 15%
Correct NL Division Winners 13/30 43%
Correct NL Wild Card Winners 2/13 15%
Correct First Manager To Fired 0/10 0%
Correct World Series Winners 1/5 20%

There you have it, my skewed and unscientific view of the 2015 major league season. Enjoy the day and season, baseball fans. Go Rockies!


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