It is that magical time of the year again when peanuts and crackerjacks are vogue. The fans of the worst teams convince themselves they won’t lose 90 games this year, and they look good on someone’s paper. Thus, it is time for the most anticipated entry this blog offers; the 12th annual Code Monkey’s MLB Team Predictions and Slogans.
As normal, the predictions will probably be wrong, but they are here just in case I get one right so I can brag about it. The slogans are more in-line with what I think the team’s slogans should be if the teams were actually truthful with their slogans.
| AL EAST |
| 1. | Toronto | Player’s flipping bats and fan’s throwing stuff on the field is all part of our Canadian politeness |
| 2. | Evil Empire | Reforming our ways with zero free agents this past off-season because we misplaced the checkbook |
| 3. | Tampa Bay | Playing in Havana made us appreciate the Tropicana |
| 4. | Evil Nation | Someone needs to check if Panda is on the endangered third basemen list |
| 5. | Baltimore | Banning our biggest threat – pies |
| AL CENTRAL |
| 1. | Kansas City | It’s fine to hustle in the late innings and jump onto our band wagon |
| 2. | Minnesota | Minnie and Paul are looking forward to Twins Fur Bomber Hat Giveaway night |
| 3. | Chicago WS | Believing in strict child labor laws |
| 4. | Detroit | Bad bullpen and bad base running will not help us in this division |
| 5. | Cleveland | Let the Lindor hype begin |
| AL WEST |
| 1. | Houston | That’s right, contenders and Astros are now in the same sentence |
| 2. | Seattle | DiPoto overhaul leads to dividends |
| 3. | Texas | To honor Josh Hamilton, we will rename our DL the Hamilton List |
| 4. | LA of Anaheim | Trout would win the MVP if we could get to the playoffs |
| 5. | Oakland | Ready to trade Sonny Gray for a big haul |
| NL EAST |
| 1. | NY Mets | Paying 10 times less in revenue sharing than the other team in our city, but we went to the World Series last year and they did not |
| 2. | Washington | Harper vs Papelbon 2 is a tiring, clownish event |
| 3. | Miami | Mattingly will be enforcing the Mr. Burn’s rule – “Shave those sideburns…you heard me hippie” |
| 4. | Atlanta | Frankly, Starlet, Turner Field is ancient 19 year old stadium so time to move on |
| 5. | Philadelphia | Upping fan’s cholesterol with Duck Fat Fries and Hickory Bacon Hot-Dogs |
| NL CENTRAL |
| 1. | St. Louis | We have heard that “The Year of the Cubs” stuff for over 108 years |
| 2. | Pittsburgh | Fighting for Wild Card Reform one season at a time |
| 3. | Chicago Cubs | The bigger the build up, the bigger goat’s bah |
| 4. | Milwaukee | It is going to be a long season when you lose a closer while he is taking off his shoes |
| 5. | Cincinnati | We got a $19 million bonus pool for being really bad or as we look it, we won |
| NL WEST |
| 1. | LA Dodgers | Can’t believe this is Vin Scully’s farewell season |
| 2. | San Francisco | Hunter Pence Likes Even Number Years |
| 3. | San Diego | Don’t forget we still have all those big contracts we paid for last year |
| 4. | Arizona | Beating the drum that our 18 years-old stadium needs to be replaced – blah, blah, hiss, hiss |
| 5. | Colorado | What is this pitching thing everyone keeps saying we need? |
| SLOGANS FOR MLB: |
| Actually going to ban smokeless tobacco in some places |
| OTHER PREDICTIONS: |
| First manager to get fired: Mike Scioscia (LA of Anaheim) |
| WILDCARD PREDICTIONS: |
| AL #1 | Seattle |
| AL #2 | Minnesota |
| NL #1 | Pittsburgh |
| NL #2 | San Francisco |
| WILDCARD PLAYOFF WINNERS: |
| AL | Minnesota |
| NL | Pittsburgh |
| DIVISIONAL SERIES PLAYOFF WINNERS: |
| AL #1 | Kansas City over Minnesota |
| AL #2 | Houston over Toronto |
| NL #1 | Pittsburgh over LA Dodgers |
| NL #2 | St. Louis over NY Mets |
| CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES PLAYOFF WINNERS: |
| AL | Houston over Kansas City |
| NL | St. Louis over Pittsburgh |
| WORLD SERIES WINNER: |
| St. Louis over Houston |
STATS:
In case you are worried I might make a correct predictions and your team has no hope, don’t be afraid. Below are my stats from the previous years. That should ease your fears and prove that I am no prophet.
| Correct AL Division Winners | 13/33 | 39% |
| Correct AL Wild Card Winners | 2/15 | 13% |
| Correct NL Division Winners | 15/33 | 45% |
| Correct NL Wild Card Winners | 3/15 | 20% |
| Correct First Manager To Fired (got my first one right last year) | 1/11 | 09% |
| Correct World Series Winners | 1/6 | 17% |
There you have it, my skewed and unscientific view of the 2016 major league season. Enjoy the day and season, baseball fans. Go Rockies!